the sound of silence

Person A: “I love the Paris metro.”
NKW: “Paris METRO.”

Person B: “The UN building is one of my favorite places in the city.”
NKW: “Ah yes, the UN building.”

It is a peculiar habit of mine to repeat phrases and words when I hear them spoken to me. Recently, a friend pointed this bizarre habit out to me and thought it was funny. I’ve been vaguely aware of my tendency to do this, but haven’t really thought about where it might come from or what it might mean before. I have some ideas.

At a very basic (and mostly subconscious) level, I think I use this device as a way to fill perceived voids in conversation. When I am with most people, silence makes me uncomfortable, and I think this is a reaction to that discomfort. The action is akin to nervous rambling—another occasional tendency of mine. I think this discomfort stems from some very fundamental and important questions.

Am I connecting with this person?
Am I interesting?
Do I have anything meaningful to contribute to the dialogue?
Are we engaging one another?
…

The irony is that thoughtless repetition of a simple phrase is meaningless, and doesn't constitute any sort of engagement with or connection to the other person. While this is apparent on reflection, I think the tendency comes from a reflexive place rather than a thoughtful one, and is much like a nervous tic. In particular, I think this urge is strong when I am drawn to somebody on an instinctive, primal level that I may not fully grasp. In this case, there is a subconscious desire to justify this pull ex-post-facto on more traditionally 'rational' grounds such as an explicit intellectual connection or a shared interest.

This effort to synthesize meaning is itself probably misguided. Tangible connections to others cannot be fabricated, and even if they can be encouraged, the mindless repetition of a simple phrase certainly doesn't advance this goal. Obliquely, this also brings to mind the notion that we often listen to others with an intention of crafting our response. Instead, we should really try to hear the other person. In this way, accepting silence can enhance conversation.

It takes some fortitutde to acknowledge that one might simply have little to share with somebody on a given topic, and it takes faith to realize that this is OK. Perhaps we ought to simply enjoy being with people, and listening to people. After all, can language even begin to describe the nature of human connection?

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