baby fever

"It's not something that I like to tell people, but yeah, I definitely want babies."

Growing up, I usually had cousins or cousins' children who were still babies, and I have fond memories of playing with them. I've always loved babies. A few weeks ago, a male friend spoke the opening quote to me in confidence. It's a funny feeling, reaching an age where babies suddenly become a realistic possibility. Now, suddenly, uttering the phrase 'I love babies' feels like a supercharged game of chicken against fate. The plausibility of the scenario draws the inevitable consequences into focus. In recent years, against the pressures implied by the opening quote, I've becoming increasingly open about my own sense of baby fever. Where does this impulse come from, and why are so many men so uncomfortable admitting to it?

I will comfortably assert that the impulse does not come from an intellectual place. We understand the consequences. Having a baby is (or should be) the single biggest shift in most peoples' lives. Your carefree life of thinking only of yourself is over. This is an incredibly dramatic shift in perspective for people. A few weeks ago, a friend described our car accident while on a road trip to Rhode Island as "the accidental baby of our trip." His point was that nothing was the same after the accident, and an air of seriousness had fallen upon the trip. His wit was funny, but nonetheless, it sheds some light on the way that many young people think about babies. The consequences are a focal point, and we are acutely aware of them.

In spite of all this, in spite of occasionally saying things like "once you have a baby, it's game over," I want a baby. Badly. Do I want the consequences? On the surface, no, but I am willing to take it all for a baby. This is an irrational sort of position to take, and seems to diminish the seriousness of having a baby. Maybe I just find babies cute and fun. But then, cats, dogs and turtles are cute and fun, and require notably less than a baby in terms of committment and responsibility. If I can hardly keep my own life together and running smoothly, what business do I have thinking about a baby? On the other hand, maybe the changes that come with having a baby are so big that it's not really possible to grapple with them until they actually happen. Does anybody ever 'want' the things that come with having a baby independently? Perhaps not, but that doesn't mean they won't be well worth it.

Someone close to me once suggested that 'baby fever', both for me and generally, is driven by a natural biological urge to procreate. I don't think this is the case, but my inability to explain it any other way makes me wonder. If it is true, however, that baby fever has something to do with masculine identity, it seems odd that so many men feel the need to be secretive about it. In any case, baby fever is alive and well, and hopefully a good thing in the end.